There are places on the Internet, hidden from the judgmental gaze of society, where mothers share their never-expressed fears. They meet in forums, private groups and chat rooms, post anonymously for fear of the consequences and admit their aversion to motherhood, the daily struggles of being a mother. How is that? These are such? After all, a woman was created to be a mother. It is claimed that biology recorded in our bodies the instinct to procreate, we may have sucked it into our mother’s milk, or maybe it’s just us data. A woman, if she has not yet thought of a child, will surely start soon, because selective parenting is an integral part of a woman’s identity. But what if maternal love never comes? And what about those who became mothers in spite of themselves?
We live in a country where the child is the most sacred. A gift from God. Not even the child, but the fetus, the group of cells in Poland is more important than the mother. Our politicians and the Church do everything they can to force women to give birth, and after a moment they leave them completely alone. It does not matter whether the child is wanted or the mother has a place to live. Few people are bothered by the fact that an expectant mother can be a victim of violence, and certainly no one will ask if she is ready for motherhood at all. Does she have around her people to rely on, someone to help her find herself in the new world, a new body and with the little man she became responsible for overnight? In Poland, you do not talk to mothers, they are transparent. From the moment of conception, they lose their individuality and begin to exist as an addition to the child.
During my pregnancy, everyone asked me how I felt when my son was born, I completely disappeared… I wasn’t ready for that. I love my children, but I hate motherhood – I read in a support group for mothers who struggle with parenting. A few minutes of combing through the posts is enough to notice the suffering of women who never wanted to have a child, and were forced by someone (partner, family, society) to take on the role of mother.
I feel lonly too. My husband does more with less and I can’t complain about that at all. However, it seems to me that nothing else matters now but the little one. I don’t remember the last time we were together anywhere. But I remember very well how many times a day I heard the question about young people. I have a feeling I’m not here at all. Her mother-in-law calls the child and asks him. So is my mom. Husband calls from work and the same. Did the little one eat, while he was sleeping, why was he crying, why was he so slow, or if you put him in warm clothes? Why does no one ask how I feel? I want to run away. Leave everything and everyone and get out of here – The unknown mother writes.
Members of the group share different stories and complain that no one has ever honestly spoken to them about having a child. Everyone says that it is a miracle that there are difficult moments, but nevertheless life changes for the better. But what if it changed for the worse?
It’s been a long time since I’ve had thoughts of suicide or wanting to die. The only motivator that motivates them is my child. […] I don’t find myself in motherhood, I feel like it burns me every day, it sucks my energy. I do my best not to show it, but I know it shows […] I am very tired. When another day passes, when I feel terrified and unheard, disrespectful and stomped – I just want to throw myself under the car – You trust another unknown mother.
I talk about it with my friends, acquaintances and close friends. Among them, there are single women who want to have a child regardless of the presence or absence of a partner, and those who are going through the difficult path of reaching a long-awaited pregnancy. There are also those who have already miscarried, but do not exclude that one day they will want to start a family on their own terms, and not by surprise or by force. After all, there are also those who know that they will never decide to have a child. There are many reasons: a mounting climate disaster, mental health issues, a fun-filled career, and a simple reluctance to give up a comfortable life without children. These are just a few of them, each one is as important as the previous one. All these women have in common the fact that each of them has been asked by people closer and further away: in children Those who don’t plan and talk about it out loud usually hear: You will still see it. How can a 25-year-old woman be mature enough to become a mother and we are confident that she will properly take care of her offspring, but when the same 25-year-old says she doesn’t want to have children, we say that she is likely to grow up to do so. We don’t believe her that she can be sure that she doesn’t want to be this mommy. Shall we tell a woman who is pregnant or who has already given birth: You will still see? It would be in bad taste, of course. So why not follow the same principle to the childless in this world? I am constantly amazed that by 2022, many people still do not respect women’s right to self-determination.
I am pregnant. Already very advanced. A striped kid, although I often get the impression that I just gave up. I surrendered to the persuasiveness of my husband, society, and the church… I am now reading the book Regretting Motherhood and it horrifies me how much I find myself in it. At the same time, I know that there is no turning back now, that you have to deal with it, that torment and feeling sorry will not change anything. However, I regret it Another post that caught my attention.
Forums and closed groups are the only socially acceptable places where a tired and troubled parent can share their true feelings. I know you will understand me; Only here can I be honest – Appears in many stories. The problem of unwanted motherhood is an absolute taboo, even writing a post is often difficult, so most group members choose not to reveal their identity or share the story with the administrator. Fear of judgment is very real, most of it happy parents Not only does he try to understand the unwanted agony of parenting, but he immediately begins to criticize and even insult. from typical cruel selfishness To the good old sexist You had to keep your legs closed, There is no shortage of insults. Therefore, women trapped in motherhood are forced to suffer quietly.
I’m tired of my baby. Every day I have more regrets for not being the mother I imagined. I don’t feel complacency or instinct or whatever he calls it. I’m really tired of being tired forever. I can only hear the crying, wailing and screaming. I don’t remember the last time I got enough sleep. I have no right to rest – I have the impression that my son will not leave me. I eat with him, I can’t go to the bathroom because he screams right away, I sleep with him because he won’t sleep by himself. I really lack patience. I once felt sorry for my friend, mother of three. She will pass. When I asked her when she couldn’t answer.
Are adults without children happier than their parents? There is a lot of research on this topic, it is difficult to consolidate the conclusions made using different methodologies, but it is not difficult to draw the basic conclusion that scientists have not observed a greater degree of life satisfaction in parents than in childless children. Importantly, individual choice and a sense of control in making decisions about parenting can have a significant impact on adult well-being throughout life. One of the most frequent arguments in favor of having children is the question of giving the proverbial glass in old age. However, research shows that while people without children in middle and late age actually have fewer social contacts, they do experience less life satisfaction than moms and dads. On the contrary, they are happier than parents who live with their adult children. How does having a child affect the relationship? For new parents, the first few years after the birth of a child is difficult to adjust to, it is full of stress and tension, which naturally translates into a relationship.
Regret over motherhood is a topic we do not talk about, deny its existence, and condemn thousands of mothers to loneliness. We lack research, awareness, and, above all, openness to experiences other than a candy-based vision of parenthood, which is not a blessing for everyone. Therefore, on the occasion of Mother’s Day, I wish all fathers simply hear. Without judgment and without prejudice.