Unfortunately, a polite and obliging person is always not attractive to potential partners. Because he invests too much, and is too available, he rewards his lack of self-respect, leaving no room for self-acquisition. Nice guys and nice women often have a recurring problem when it comes to romance: they feel as though they’re doing everything right but the relationship isn’t going well. They show affection for their partner, they are meticulous, obliging, attentive and generous. However, the love interest fades with the guy next door he never gets back in touch with, or the cool guy with the selfish singer who’s always late. What do we do wrong when we really care about our partner? As it turned out, what seems to us at first glance incomprehensible, can be well explained by some psychological principles.
Very nice people, at first they invest a lot in the relationship: time, money, attention. By investing in a particular person, we increase his or her own value. The more it increases, the stronger it becomes. He who does more for a relationship, who gives more and pays more, also falls in love and binds more. Constant availability makes us unattractive to partner. There is an unconscious assumption that hard-to-find individuals have special value. It is deeply ingrained in us. A person who is difficult to reach creates the illusion that his time and presence are precious and that they are not given to everyone. Not answering a message, calling back a missed phone call, or canceling a meeting is straightforward and annoying, but it still works.
Moreover, it makes the other person think about the reasons for this. And when our head is constantly dizzy, it means something, right? On the other hand, those who are in love and are very kind often give up everything for the sake of the object of their desire. And she doesn’t have to do anything to maintain the relationship. It seems unattractive to the desired person, and sometimes you consider it the desperation of the other person. Weird as it sounds, nice people are very nice. They often unintentionally reward their partner’s disrespectful behavior and thus reinforce it. They forgive quickly and often, are patient and kind, and do not set clear boundaries. Who respects such people? Unfortunately no one. Mysterious things, which you cannot see or want to meet again, will always be of greater interest. It turns out that what comes easy to us quickly becomes boring. The combination of uncertainty and hope is very powerful because people want to reduce uncertainty as much as possible. Thanks to this, thoughts about the other person constantly revolve in your head. It is clear where this leads.
In this case, our attractiveness increases, and our partner begins to fall into a maelstrom of uncertainty. He thinks of us very intensely, trying to get to know us and know more and more. To this end, he devotes much of his time and attention to us, and falls in love with us. A little bit of mystery and uncertainty changed his perception of us. We are now in a comfortable position. Love is impatient, full of anxiety. It makes us fear rejection. However, being so much available and always nice kills any interest. As painful as it may sound to some of us, openness and one-sided love kills the bond between partners. Love is a feeling that needs attention from both sides. Otherwise, she will not survive and someone will suffer forever. Although at first he was the one who sought our best.
But our eternal availability kept him cold and he showed no interest in us. Unfortunately, the more time and energy we spend in a relationship, the more our partner will distance ourselves from us emotionally. He no longer feels the connection between him and us, despite his former enthusiasm and interest. Both men and women love to find a partner, and they want to prove to the whole world that they are the only ones who have succeeded. They believe that since it was difficult for them, this ensures that their partner will not succumb to the temptation of betrayal. It’s mostly just a game, the art of seduction. Just manipulating a partner that has nothing to do with reality.
If a person has the illusion that the effort he puts into finding a partner is a guarantee of a successful relationship – he is mistaken. There is nothing more convincing than his love, openness and honesty. If he couldn’t appreciate it, he simply wasn’t worth it.